Acquiescent Mom

Another Addition

2010-06-15T16:57:00.000-07:00

Dustin and I are expecting our third child, due November 12th. This time, its a little boy! We are excited and nervous all over again. But so thankful to be blessed with another precious child. It has all been our choice, but I can say I'm ready to be done being pregnant!

Its amazing to me how much hope and healing Blythe has brought to my Grief. I'm sure this little man will do the same. My prayers are the same this go around but I feel a little more vulnerable than before. But God is here, right beside me. This I know and this I trust. Whatever this little gift brings, we will cherish and know it is God's will.

Another Year

2010-01-20T11:17:00.000-08:00

Another year has started...the holidays have come and gone. They surprised me this year with emotions I wasn't expecting. I'm not sure why I get surprised at the waves of emotions, but it strikes with such fury and disregard that I get caught off guard. I kept a smile on my face and made the most of it since it was Blythe's first Christmas. I suppose there will always be a part of me that dreads the feelings that come with times like that. Is it getting together with family, knowing that there are loved ones who will never be there? Or is it the high that comes with celebrating and the guilt that follows? I'm not sure, its too much to digest sometimes.
And now I am coming up on what would be Lilah's 2nd birthday. She would be running around laughing and talking. As life continues without her, it is unbelievably hard to think about "what if"...because now, if she hadn't passed, I would not have Blythe. My whole life would be different. I remember coming to that realization a few years after Brandy died. There are so many people in my life now who never knew Brandy...which is odd and sometimes heartstopping. And one day, it will be the same with Lilah.
I watch two precious children a couple of times a week for a dear friend and the daughter brings Lilah up all the time. And it is music to my ears to hear her name from an innocent voice who wants to understand (she is 5). I saved them two animal calendars I had gotten in the mail from charities I donate to, and we were going through them and I was showing them their birthday's. And she asked about Lilah's birthday and wanted to write it down in pink and she put a big smiley face beside it. So very precious.
I wonder what conversations Blythe and I will have about her sister.
I have had some dreadful days where the tears sit on standby for every thought. I have actually had trouble listening to music, because it brings me to tears so fast I get a little scared. But the crying is good and it washes some of the pain away. I don't understand why this time of year has to be so hard and emotional, but I can't do anything about it but trudge through and remind myself that there are brighter days. I can look at my beautiful daughter here on earth and know God has His hand on me and He will take care of me. This I know and trust in my heart.

A New Journey

2009-04-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile...and a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Shortly after my last post, I went through a pretty rough patch that lasted longer than I thought it would. I knew dealing with Lilah's birthday and her death anniversary would be hard and emotional, but I wasn't prepared for just how hard it was and just how much it affected every thought. Lilah has, and will for a long time, sat beside every thought in my head. Since I was pregnant with Blythe at the time, this huge surge of paranoia surrounded me and I would think that God would never take another child from me. But than I know, He knows best and who am I to think I don't deserve any part of the plan He has for me? And that would make it feel like a real possibility to have something else happen; after all there are many people who experience much worse tragedies. Losing our first child being our only reality made it much harder to get through the last weeks of carrying our sweet Blythe.
We had a couple of scares at the end that felt eerily similar to what we went through with Lilah, and our doctor decided to take her a little bit earlier than planned. So Blythe was born March 12 at 11:45 am and it was such a glorious moment and continues to be. Everything went just like we needed it to and we thank Dr.Chris Hutchinson for everything he did for us and for being so understanding to our situation.
We made it, we made it, we made it! I can't even explain the overwhelming emotion of being able to leave the hospital with her. Its a feeling that will probably always bring tears to my eyes. She is perfect and doing great and we love her so very much. I have had some very emotional moments since her arrival because its impossible to separate the feelings from last time with this time. And as awful as it sounds, I had to push Lilah away from my thoughts at first because it was just too much. It can hurt sometimes holding a healthy baby and seeing her thrive because it makes me remember just how hard things were for Lilah and how much her little body went through. But she is whole and healed now and I know she is loving the joy we have with Blythe in our lives. There is hope in her sweet face and there is joy in our hearts as we trust in God's will and lean on Him.
I probably won't post for awhile, as I'll be posting on my other blog-www.thehoeys.blogspot.com

Thanks to everyone for the love, support and prayers--it means more than we could ever say!

What My Child Has Taught Me

2009-01-12T09:40:00.000-08:00

I found this poem I had written down many many months ago by an unknown author and I thought I would share it.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that learning to forgive takes lots of practice.
I've learned that friends can become strangers and strangers can become friends.
I've learned that some people will never, ever "get it".
I've learned the community of sorrow is the strongest of all.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.
I've learned that some sorrow is so no deep that it has no word, but so is love.

Time is my Friend

2008-12-29T05:50:00.000-08:00

I was looking forward to getting through the holidays simply for the sake of getting through another week and making it into the new year. I was not aware that Christmas would be hard emotionally. Until it arrived.
Things feel surreal being pregnant again for another Christmas and hearing the exact same things we heard last year that never came true. A lot of, "wait until next year, she'll be getting into everything." I can't even count how many times we heard that or something similar, and each time, for some reason, it felt like a knife in my heart. All I could think was, don't say that, Lilah is not here and she was suppose to be...I don't want to think that far ahead. I am hopeful and trusting, but you can't help the immediate reactions that are from your personal life experience. I want to avoid most discussions of how things will be "once the baby gets here". I imagine its a protective measure, since our reality is we've heard all these and gone through it just to never have any of it come true.
But its over and I hate to wish moments away, but I also can't help but just want to get through each moment because that means I'm that much closer to holding Blythe. I want to enjoy and not take for granted this precious time. Its so hard to express how you go through the excitement and anticipation and then you're hit with tragedy. So the only experienced outcome included a lot of hurt and emptiness. This makes going through the anticipation much different.

On the bright side, we have changed doctors and will be delivering in Columbia. I feel much more comfortable. Our experience here at the beach was far less than acceptable. I have enough "what if'/should have" at night from what went on with Lilah, I can't imagine going through that again if anything went wrong. We have met our doctor and everything went just how I needed it to go-Thank you, God! Some dear friends of ours have helped us set this up and they have shared some great information with us that has set my mind at ease about many things.
I have gotten a lot of enjoyment out of rethinking the organization of our home and the things we have to do to get ready for Blythe. Just as I loved picking out things for Lilah, I love picking out special things for Blythe.
So here's to getting through all of January...then all of February...then most of March. I am asking God to help me be more patient with each moment and to know that we have Time for a reason. Time is my friend and he's not here to punish me.

More than Halfway

2008-12-03T09:11:00.001-08:00

More than halfway...the downhill slope. Feels like the slowest downhill slope I've ever been on. But that's okay...we know its a little girl and I feel so very blessed to have another precious little girl on the way. We are going to call her Blythe Oneal. Blythe means joyous/happy which we feel is fitting since she will bring us much needed joy and happiness. Oneal is Dustin's middle name-he is such an amazing father that I wanted her to share his name.
I've already sat in Lilah's room many times since we found out and held all her little outfits we lovingly picked out for her that we'll now be able to use again and sweetly say, "this was your sister's".
God is gracious and we can feel His love. I just keep praying for the anxiety to go away. After losing Lilah, my arms hurt so very much; they felt so very very empty. And that feeling has come back so strongly for this baby. I want to hold her so bad that sometimes it feels like I might go crazy. Or maybe I already am.

I'd like to thank Jennie Bender for her comments on my last post-thank you for being so encouraging and thank you for your honesty. Its so helpful to hear from people who know...they know exactly how you're feeling and just how hard the long road is. But they also offer hope and I love the faith and love for God that I've seen in so many women who have gone through the same thing. Going through times like these makes you rely heavily on Him and forces you to give Him your trust, as we should always. I love you, God, thank you from the bottom of my heart for my precious Lilah and for Blythe, our newest blessing.

Hope

2008-09-27T18:21:00.001-07:00

I haven't written in awhile. Its been really hard to sort through my emotions and very difficult to even try to put into words-seems to be the case a lot.
We are pregnant again-14 weeks along. Every day is a different swarm of feelings. Dustin and I don't talk about the pregnancy much-certainly not like we did with the first. I'm not sure if its because we've already gone through it and at this point there isn't much to say or if we are just so uncertain about how to react.
At first I felt as if I was taking it all in stride and that my anxiety was much less than I thought it would be. But as each week passes, it seems to almost be worse. My body has let me know how much anxiety is actually inside me; I suppose a part of my mind wanted to be numb to it. I pray the worry doesn't hurt this precious child.
Dustin and I are both very nervous and therefore we find it hard to get excited. Everyone wants to be happy and excited about it, and its hard to explain how those are not the emotions right now. Yes, we are happy to have a new little bit coming and to be blessed with another child-but the fear and anxiety is a little overwhelming. It doesn't matter how irrational it is or seems to others. Nothing anyone can say will change that. At this time, I don't think I'll feel okay until we're holding our new baby and we know he/she is healthy.
I do feel God's heavy prescence with us through this journey and I know He will give us what we need. My prayers this go around are so very different. Acknowledging this baby is His, and only mine to borrow. I just ask to keep this one a bit longer than we got to have Lilah.
Oh, how much I miss her. Just as I am told by many others that they don't know how I feel or can't imagine what we're going through, I don't know if there are words for how it feels and I can't imagine what my soul looks like at this time.
We know a new baby cannot change what has happened and could never, ever replace Lilah; but we do know this baby brings Hope. What a beautiful thing. And tonight, I pray for God to keep one hand on our new little baby and the other on sweet Lilah.

2008-06-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

Trying to move forward can cause such devastating feelings sometimes. I'll be cruising along thinking that I'm making progress and then out of the blue I feel so very sad. Its hard to think that my daughter is gone and I'm just moving along. It almost feels like I'm dishonoring her memory or showing that her life was insignificant when I have happy moments. I know that is not true, but the need to express just how very much Lilah meant to me and how very much I wanted to keep her here is important.
I'm still struggling to get excited about things. I'm not really looking forward to much-even upcoming normal events that in the past I would have been really excited about. And I just don't care that I'm not excited. I suppose that's okay-I just feel bad for those around me who are going on with their lives, as they should.
I have felt very overwhelmed this week and I have cried a lot. I've been begging God for a break because it seems every couple of weeks someone new is sharing their news about being pregnant or announcing when their baby is coming or someone is born. I just want to avoid it but I know I can't. I'm fine, I just am struggling with how to deal with the feelings. I know I'm suppose to be happy for everyone, but I truly don't feel that. I hope it will come in time and I hope its understood by those that I love. It just feels like this constant slap in the face of what isn't mine.
I'm now reading a book called Holding On To Hope. Its written by Nancy Guthrie who lost her little girl to a fatal syndrome. Her and her husband decided to have surgery to keep from having more children (it was a hereditary syndrome) but something happened and she got pregnant anyway while she was writing the book. And this little baby had the same syndrome. My heart hurts for her. So far, it is a helpful book. Its like a lot of Christian books dealing with grief and relates to Job's story.

Return

2008-05-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

Its been a few weeks since I have posted. I had some difficulty with Mother's Day and sort of felt like shutting down for a short while. Then I was out of town for almost two weeks.
Now I'm back home and I must say, I missed being home. Its still hard for me to be out of my comfort zone for too long, so being gone 10 days maxed me out. It didn't warrant a freak-out or anything of the sort, but I just had some really hard moments.
During my posting abscence, I got to meet with an amazing mom who had a Trisomy 13 baby here in Myrtle Beach just one year before Lilah was born. It was heartwarming and healing to talk with her and share our experiences. She now has a beautiful 7 month old girl who brings much hope to my now-paranoid heart. Once you beat the odds on the bad side, its too easy to think it will happen again-no matter how many people tell you otherwise. And what do they know anyway? Everyone said Lilah would be fine too. No one knows but God-I'm fine with that; I just cringe when people want to tell me everything will be fine.

I also finished the book, When A Baby Dies at the beginning of the month. I must say, I did not enjoy this book and it didn't help me. I think it could be a good resource for pastors/counselors but its not an easy read. For me, it read like a textbook and was not very layman friendly. I've got another book lined up and I hope it will be something that will be more inspiring and uplifting for me.

Concern

2008-05-06T14:49:00.001-07:00

I can tell I'm reaching the point where people have moved past thoughts of what has happened and have replaced these thoughts with life. Because life goes on. I hate that I can't just pick up Grief, shake his hand and say I think I'm done with all of this. So I will realize when I'm talking to people that they have moved on but I'm stuck for awhile, slowly overcoming invisible hurdles. I'm creeping everyday a little bit further from the hurt and even when I feel like I've taken three giant steps back, Grief and I are getting closer and closer to ending our relationship.

I'm still not sure how I feel about journaling. I believe it can be taken the wrong way and what's not realized is that journaling feelings are shared as an outlet, a release. In other words, its a build up from many instances/moments throughout a day or week. So all these thoughts read in one sitting could be overwhelming to someone who has never been in this place. Or seem to them as if Grief has taken over and trouble is coming. I just become amazed at those that seem to not understand the immense hurt and how long it sits right there at every thought. And then if I let it get to me, I have to have words with God because I just can't understand why. Basically why not teach this lesson to someone who needs it, why me. But then He's right there and I can feel him saying, "Why not you?" And I know He is right; I am blessed in so many, many ways. When I have my moments where it hurts so much that I feel like I can't see straight, I thank God for all the things that are important to me at that moment. When I do this, I can feel God sharing my pain and nudging me to a better place.

3 Months

2008-05-01T05:57:00.001-07:00

So Tuesday Lilah would have been 3 months old...we would have already experienced many sleepless nights together, she would have had roughly 37 baths by now, over 450 diaper changes, 525 feedings...I would have seen her glorious smile. Because I haven't done any of these things, I direct my jealousy to God for getting to spend these 3 months with her.

How I wish I could be complaining of a dirty house, too much laundry, exhaustion, no time with my husband or for myself...instead I have too much time with myself in a clean house, with a stillness that silently screams for the chaos children bring.

It is SO hard to give up that feeling of wanting control...I have no control. My timeline has been disrupted and our family plan has been re-routed. Without my consent. And it will happen again and again, with one thing or another. Breathing and surrending to God is something I have to remind myself to do every day...sometimes every hour.

I have kept the two outfits Lilah wore in a bag tied up tight in her room; I will go in there and unwrap it carefully and hold it to my face and breathe her in. And the smell has finally gone. This makes me sad, even though I know its just a silly comfort thing.

2008-04-29T16:54:00.001-07:00

I have had some good days, which I praise God for. And then just like that, with a little news that should reflect happy times, I'm back to this horrible, unexplainable hurt. If only life had a DVR; I would FF right through this part.
I have been exercising vigorously; I carry this painful reminder of what isn't mine anymore around with me and it keeps me from getting into my old clothes. I also now have this extreme motivation to get in the best possible shape for the next go around. In an unreasonable way, I feel as if I need to give my next baby the best possible chance and that somehow my being neurotic will help that. I am incredibly anxious for that moment to come and desperately paranoid of how long 9 months really can be.
I haven't been sleeping well since January 29th and I'm ready for that to end. I become incredibly irrational at night and thoughts pass through my head like an express-way, sometimes bumping into each other and morphing into what I like to call controlled crazy. Its certainly better than the first month after Lilah passed, so I'm praying that each month will get a little better and eventually sleep will equal peace.
If you are reading this and are grieving the loss of your precious baby, I am praying for you tonight...for peace and a small break from the hurt.

Concerned Reading

2008-04-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

I am diligently going through a small stack of books that were either given to me or purchased that pertain to losing a child. I am currently reading When A Baby Dies by Ronald Nash. It is the first book I've read so far that has not made me feel good. It is a Christian book that covers the issue of children and heaven. I'm only a third of the way through it, so I'm trusting that it will get better. I never felt the need to question whether or not Lilah is in heaven-but reading this book makes me feel as if I should be questioning it. I feel I have enough on my greiving plate and don't care for more concerning, heart-wrenching thoughts. So I'm going to faithfully assume that I will feel better by the time I finish the book...and if not, it certainly won't go on my recommended reading list!

Therapy

2008-04-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

I have been writing this week. Putting my story down on paper. I have heard it is good therapy; another reason I started posting on a blog. I can't tell yet if its helping...at the moment, it doesn't feel like it. To see the words of Lilah's life and to see her name brings up so much emotion. I feel as if I can't say enough and then I don't like how much I have said. I don't feel I can use the right words to represent such a precious life.
I also feel very emotional this week. We went home this past weekend for a wedding shower. I dreaded going and being the one everyone was asking my mom, sister and husband about. The awkwardness from those around me is almost tangible and it makes me want to avoid social situations. It still takes a lot of effort from me to make small talk. I sort of feel like, what's the point? But I know from experience these feelings will fade and I will be able to let certain things go and move on.
I am also looking for work; just started last week. It took me 2 1/2 months before I could muster up the energy to even care. And some days, I don't. At all. I pray I'll have the strength to say the right thing when its time to explain my gap in employment. And the strenght not to break down and cry. That's never good for winning over an employee; nobody wants to hire a basketcase.

It begins...

2008-04-10T07:53:00.000-07:00

So this is my first blog. I've always felt that writing things down makes everything seem so much more permanent. And perhaps that can be a good thing and not as scary as I imagine; commitment to words, making you somehow committed to the thoughts and feelings. I will do this as a type of therapy. And maybe it will help someone; maybe I can help someone with my selfish desire to help myself.
I joined blogger back in January with the idea that this would be a great way to track my new ventures into parenthood. I opened it and got all the way to the posting part and seemed stuck to put anything down about my expanding belly and my excitement for my little girl to arrive.
And by the end of the month, I completely forgot about you, blogger, for my world stopped. It just totally stopped and I felt as if I knew nothing anymore.
I had my little girl 3 1/2 weeks early and after she was born we learned she had Trisomy 13, a fatal chromosome disorder. Incompatable with life, they say. How does God make a human that is incompatable with life? Isn't that made up? I prayed all along that if we were to have a child with special needs, that we would have the strength to handle it. I never once thought to pray for my child to just be able to be compatable. It happens in one out of every 10,000 pregnancies. Most are miscarried. We beat some crazy odds. I was told all along that we had a perfect pregnancy; I had no issues. Now I pray I will get huge and swollen and have to complain of heartburn and fatigue, if I'm fortunate enough to get pregnant again.
Eight days my Lilah was here. For one hundred and eighty eight hours, I was a mom. During these hours, its hard to imagine that others were progressing through their life as if nothing was happening. I could have sworn the world stopped.
I held my angel as she took her last breath and I know God was in that room with us and I could feel his grief. I continue to have a heaviness in my chest and an aching in my arms, that I think will always be there. But I hope that it will become less prominent with time. What I wouldn't give to hold her and kiss her again...