Another Year

Another year has started...the holidays have come and gone. They surprised me this year with emotions I wasn't expecting. I'm not sure why I get surprised at the waves of emotions, but it strikes with such fury and disregard that I get caught off guard. I kept a smile on my face and made the most of it since it was Blythe's first Christmas. I suppose there will always be a part of me that dreads the feelings that come with times like that. Is it getting together with family, knowing that there are loved ones who will never be there? Or is it the high that comes with celebrating and the guilt that follows? I'm not sure, its too much to digest sometimes.
And now I am coming up on what would be Lilah's 2nd birthday. She would be running around laughing and talking. As life continues without her, it is unbelievably hard to think about "what if"...because now, if she hadn't passed, I would not have Blythe. My whole life would be different. I remember coming to that realization a few years after Brandy died. There are so many people in my life now who never knew Brandy...which is odd and sometimes heartstopping. And one day, it will be the same with Lilah.
I watch two precious children a couple of times a week for a dear friend and the daughter brings Lilah up all the time. And it is music to my ears to hear her name from an innocent voice who wants to understand (she is 5). I saved them two animal calendars I had gotten in the mail from charities I donate to, and we were going through them and I was showing them their birthday's. And she asked about Lilah's birthday and wanted to write it down in pink and she put a big smiley face beside it. So very precious.
I wonder what conversations Blythe and I will have about her sister.
I have had some dreadful days where the tears sit on standby for every thought. I have actually had trouble listening to music, because it brings me to tears so fast I get a little scared. But the crying is good and it washes some of the pain away. I don't understand why this time of year has to be so hard and emotional, but I can't do anything about it but trudge through and remind myself that there are brighter days. I can look at my beautiful daughter here on earth and know God has His hand on me and He will take care of me. This I know and trust in my heart.