I haven't written in awhile. Its been really hard to sort through my emotions and very difficult to even try to put into words-seems to be the case a lot.
We are pregnant again-14 weeks along. Every day is a different swarm of feelings. Dustin and I don't talk about the pregnancy much-certainly not like we did with the first. I'm not sure if its because we've already gone through it and at this point there isn't much to say or if we are just so uncertain about how to react.
At first I felt as if I was taking it all in stride and that my anxiety was much less than I thought it would be. But as each week passes, it seems to almost be worse. My body has let me know how much anxiety is actually inside me; I suppose a part of my mind wanted to be numb to it. I pray the worry doesn't hurt this precious child.
Dustin and I are both very nervous and therefore we find it hard to get excited. Everyone wants to be happy and excited about it, and its hard to explain how those are not the emotions right now. Yes, we are happy to have a new little bit coming and to be blessed with another child-but the fear and anxiety is a little overwhelming. It doesn't matter how irrational it is or seems to others. Nothing anyone can say will change that. At this time, I don't think I'll feel okay until we're holding our new baby and we know he/she is healthy.
I do feel God's heavy prescence with us through this journey and I know He will give us what we need. My prayers this go around are so very different. Acknowledging this baby is His, and only mine to borrow. I just ask to keep this one a bit longer than we got to have Lilah.
Oh, how much I miss her. Just as I am told by many others that they don't know how I feel or can't imagine what we're going through, I don't know if there are words for how it feels and I can't imagine what my soul looks like at this time.
We know a new baby cannot change what has happened and could never, ever replace Lilah; but we do know this baby brings Hope. What a beautiful thing. And tonight, I pray for God to keep one hand on our new little baby and the other on sweet Lilah.
4 comments:
Oh, I have been praying for you, Dustin and your new little one. I am so excited for you and I know that this baby will bring joy to a mourning heart!!
Hi,
My name is Jennie Bender. I am the mother of a complete trisomy 18 baby girl. She has been in Heaven for a little over two years. We miss her sweet face, but I know she is happy with the Lord.
Congratulations on your coming baby. I, too, have a baby--girl. Her name is Darcy Ellynn. It means, "Out of the Darkness is Light." Fitting isn't it, my sweet friend? You and I know what dark days we have seen. To my husband and I, it means, "God has always been good, and He has brought us through the storm." We are forever changed because of Elaine, but He brought us through--together.
I pray your new sweet baby will be healthy. I don't like to say that word--I loved my girl even though she was medically "unhealthy." She was perfect, as was your Lilah!
The memory of Lilah will never be replaced or erased. I know she has taught you many precious lessons as my Elaine has me. It will be a long journey to the end of your pregnancy. You will never be outwardly joyous over your child's birth as you once were--it is different now. There is a seriousness to LIFE now. Yet--there is an inward gratefulness to God that cannot be removed. It is amazing to me! EVERY time I hold my sweet Darcy, I am ever thankful for her. I now know how precious each one of my girls are. I never look at children the same way. I am frustrated to hear people speak lightly of their children--for they know not the gift of beautiful hands, feet, the beauty of breathing on your own, a perfect mind...yet my girl had none of these perfections--yet she is so absolutely perfect to me.
No child will ever replace your Lilah. She will always be missed. I know I shall see my sweet girl, Elaine, again. I know God gave her to me for a reason.
Don't fret. God will see you through. He has brought you this far! You will never be as you were. BUT--You will be a better wife, mother, and a friend because of your sweet girl baby. God had a purpose for her life! She will not be forgotten. She will make a difference in your life. What a beautiful girl she is! Not many people will ever understand where you have been, what you have been through, the nights you have face, but God knows. He will bring you through. God is so good. You are a lovely mother.
Love and prayers
for you and your family,
Jennie
PS =) It's me again, try to find
"The death of a Little Child"
by J. Vernon McGee.
It helped me--oh, it helped me!
Maybe it will be a blessing to you and your husband.
Praying for you!
Your baby is going to be beautiful!
Jennie
Dear Erin,
It's Briana, Molly Mueller's mom. You were so kind to leave a sweet comment on our blog. I just wanted to tell you that we appreciated your prayers very much. I want to tell you that we are praying for you, your husband, and your baby-to-be. We pray for health, healing, comfort, strength, joy and peace. We send our love through Christ, especially to little Lilah up in heaven. What a beautiful girl. Blessings,
Briana M.
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