Trying to move forward can cause such devastating feelings sometimes. I'll be cruising along thinking that I'm making progress and then out of the blue I feel so very sad. Its hard to think that my daughter is gone and I'm just moving along. It almost feels like I'm dishonoring her memory or showing that her life was insignificant when I have happy moments. I know that is not true, but the need to express just how very much Lilah meant to me and how very much I wanted to keep her here is important.
I'm still struggling to get excited about things. I'm not really looking forward to much-even upcoming normal events that in the past I would have been really excited about. And I just don't care that I'm not excited. I suppose that's okay-I just feel bad for those around me who are going on with their lives, as they should.
I have felt very overwhelmed this week and I have cried a lot. I've been begging God for a break because it seems every couple of weeks someone new is sharing their news about being pregnant or announcing when their baby is coming or someone is born. I just want to avoid it but I know I can't. I'm fine, I just am struggling with how to deal with the feelings. I know I'm suppose to be happy for everyone, but I truly don't feel that. I hope it will come in time and I hope its understood by those that I love. It just feels like this constant slap in the face of what isn't mine.
I'm now reading a book called Holding On To Hope. Its written by Nancy Guthrie who lost her little girl to a fatal syndrome. Her and her husband decided to have surgery to keep from having more children (it was a hereditary syndrome) but something happened and she got pregnant anyway while she was writing the book. And this little baby had the same syndrome. My heart hurts for her. So far, it is a helpful book. Its like a lot of Christian books dealing with grief and relates to Job's story.